What’s the deal with grandmothers?

A queer species, the grandmother!

Today I am going to unfold the, the, the biggest myths about the mystical creatures called the grandmothers.

The general perception is that the eyesight and hearing go down as one ages, but believe me when I say that the rule doesn’t apply to the Grandmothers.

They cannot thread the needle but certainly see the slits on your torn jeans. They cannot hear the dialogues on TV but always holler if the doorbell or the phone keeps ringing beyond five seconds. They can always tell by the sound of car engine outside, which neighbour came in at what time at night.

They do take time to get out of bed, aching joints and cursing their age and praying to almighty to be relieved of this jan-jaal on regular days, but there’s no one more agile when there are hungry far-away visiting relatives to be fed.

Grandmothers are generally of two kinds, the Funtoo Granny and the Gruntoo Granny .

The Funtoo is always game for going out, doesn’t stop you from doing anything, nothing is weird enough for her and all is possible if you are with her. She lets you sleep late and will serve you Parathas three times a day. She does not stop you from eating a tub full of mangoes even though you later wish she had.

The Gruntoo is always spic n span, her clothes are always starched and so is her attitude. Her most frequent used word is ‘No’ followed closely by ‘Don’t’. She hardly approves of anything and basically nobody is good enough for her. She makes you eat salads and dals. Her advice is always sound which you never listen to but later wish you had.

Having a Funtoo Granny seems like a blessing but you are doomed if both your Grannies are Funtoo ones. A childhood spent under the influence of two Funtoo Grannies leads to an adulthood ; am sorry, it does not lead to an adulthood, cause one is perpetually stuck being an insolent child having difficulty to differentiate between fantasy and reality. I am sure there is a medical term to describe it, but to me Bi-Funtoo Granny Syndrome seems just fine.

Having a Gruntoo Granny seems like you have seen Satan personified on earth, yet there is no curse as powerful as having both grannies are Gruntoo ones. A childhood spent under the influence of two Gruntoo grannies leads to adulthood; am sorry, leads to no childhood and perpetual adulthood while having great difficulty expressing emotions and hugging the loved ones and generally life is one big time-table to be adhered to. I am sure there is a medical term to describe it , but to me Bi-Gruntoo Granny Syndrome seems just fine.

Now I have had a blissful life, having been blessed with one Funtoo Granny and one Gruntoo Granny. Life is a perfect equilibrium between parathas, mangoes and dals and salads. I enjoyed an unbridled childhood and adulthood came to me with slow cautious steps. Of all my blessings, this is the one I am officially most grateful to God for.

When my Funtoo granny passed away some twelve agonizingly long years back, I was so angry at the world. I was so angry that my Funtoo Granny had to go first. But now that my Gruntoo granny is counting her last days, I have been wondering , better to have Gruntoo Granny than to have no granny at all.

She makes my life Grand.

Giving Advice

Giving advice can be an awfully tricky thing cause would you really want them to do what you are saying? Really? Its specially tricky when it is about helping someone ( eons younger) choose the right guy to marry and more so when you know that the advisee is hanging on to every word you are saying and her parents are later going to hang you for whatever you say to her.

What I really want to tell her is that “Hey you don’t need to get married just because your parents are now desperate to kick you out of their house”, but I cannot really tell her that, can I? Oh yes I can cause I have a big mouth and MY parents are not around and I am blissfully married. Ha ha I should add but don’t as I am a little sensible if not really known for being sensitive.

Now how does anyone decide whom to marry? This has been my research area since the time I had to face the dilemma myself. Earlier than that, I used to be like the rest of the junta and laugh around at all those going through the trauma and make their lives so miserable that getting married seemed to them a fairer deal than spending a minute more with me. Many a wedding made in heaven have been sped up by this humble catalyst.

Here today at the age of 25, Jigna is faced with the dilemma of whom to get married to and she has come to me for advice. Are you wondering why does anyone come to me for advice? It’s simple, cause I have fooled everyone into believing that I have a successful marriage and I am so good at it that even my husband believes that he is happy. See see .....

“Gut, your own gut will tell you when the time comes” is what I tell everyone, even though my own gut went somersaulting when the time came for me. But I can’t tell Jigna this. Now Jigna (name changed to preserve identity) comes from conservative Gujarati Jain family who have allowed her to get a professional degree and work just so she can be marketed well when the time comes. However Jigna’s poor fate collided with me one day when we took driving lessons together and the following 21 half hour sessions liberated the most smooth talking , free thinking rock chic babe I have ever known ( I’m talking about Jigna here, smooth is not my thing, I do caustic).

I asked her whether she had the guts to beat the system, stay afloat fighting a lone battle with her parents and the extended clan (Ku Klux was so passé) till she decides on her own. In reply, deafening silence. Well silence as an answer is generally accepted as a yes, but we are not discussing the general here, are we.

So I told Jigna to listen to her parents, meet the prospective grooms and finally let the destiny guide her (one can learn so much just watching trailers of Karan Johar movies).

Some may question if I was being sinister, plotting to eliminate the single status from earth as I had been untimely robbed of mine. Or if I was a chicken and backed out of telling what I really should have told Jigna? But I will have none of that, cause my dear I was simply giving advice. And the whole point of advice is that nobody takes it.