What’s the deal with grandmothers?

A queer species, the grandmother!

Today I am going to unfold the, the, the biggest myths about the mystical creatures called the grandmothers.

The general perception is that the eyesight and hearing go down as one ages, but believe me when I say that the rule doesn’t apply to the Grandmothers.

They cannot thread the needle but certainly see the slits on your torn jeans. They cannot hear the dialogues on TV but always holler if the doorbell or the phone keeps ringing beyond five seconds. They can always tell by the sound of car engine outside, which neighbour came in at what time at night.

They do take time to get out of bed, aching joints and cursing their age and praying to almighty to be relieved of this jan-jaal on regular days, but there’s no one more agile when there are hungry far-away visiting relatives to be fed.

Grandmothers are generally of two kinds, the Funtoo Granny and the Gruntoo Granny .

The Funtoo is always game for going out, doesn’t stop you from doing anything, nothing is weird enough for her and all is possible if you are with her. She lets you sleep late and will serve you Parathas three times a day. She does not stop you from eating a tub full of mangoes even though you later wish she had.

The Gruntoo is always spic n span, her clothes are always starched and so is her attitude. Her most frequent used word is ‘No’ followed closely by ‘Don’t’. She hardly approves of anything and basically nobody is good enough for her. She makes you eat salads and dals. Her advice is always sound which you never listen to but later wish you had.

Having a Funtoo Granny seems like a blessing but you are doomed if both your Grannies are Funtoo ones. A childhood spent under the influence of two Funtoo Grannies leads to an adulthood ; am sorry, it does not lead to an adulthood, cause one is perpetually stuck being an insolent child having difficulty to differentiate between fantasy and reality. I am sure there is a medical term to describe it, but to me Bi-Funtoo Granny Syndrome seems just fine.

Having a Gruntoo Granny seems like you have seen Satan personified on earth, yet there is no curse as powerful as having both grannies are Gruntoo ones. A childhood spent under the influence of two Gruntoo grannies leads to adulthood; am sorry, leads to no childhood and perpetual adulthood while having great difficulty expressing emotions and hugging the loved ones and generally life is one big time-table to be adhered to. I am sure there is a medical term to describe it , but to me Bi-Gruntoo Granny Syndrome seems just fine.

Now I have had a blissful life, having been blessed with one Funtoo Granny and one Gruntoo Granny. Life is a perfect equilibrium between parathas, mangoes and dals and salads. I enjoyed an unbridled childhood and adulthood came to me with slow cautious steps. Of all my blessings, this is the one I am officially most grateful to God for.

When my Funtoo granny passed away some twelve agonizingly long years back, I was so angry at the world. I was so angry that my Funtoo Granny had to go first. But now that my Gruntoo granny is counting her last days, I have been wondering , better to have Gruntoo Granny than to have no granny at all.

She makes my life Grand.